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Mark Cunningham

Taking photographs of ugly foreign protesters is un-American—I mean, unless they’re protesting against us. She celebrated her mid-life crisis by posting a nude photograph of herself on the Internet, and when she was charged with distributing child pornography, she told reporters she’d never been so flattered. When I said we’d kept our dignity, he laughed so hard something flew out of his nose. I told them the burp was not “I,” and the phlegm was not “I,” but still nobody wanted to sit next to me. He became suspicious of his new liver when it squeaked and dogs tried to jump on him every time he bent over—but, hey, it’s great to be popular.