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Tracy Gonzalez is trying new things. Visit her at trust-fall.blogspot.com.

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What I Know of Trolls

Tracy Gonzalez

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I do not know all of the things that trolls like but a few. I know they like to eat sheep and certain types of stone and charcoal or a combination thereof. If you are looking to lure a troll, remember these things. Putting them on known troll trails or on bridges where there is running water underneath works best. Make sure the springs of your traps are well-oiled, the teeth of them sharpened. Hide yourself well. Wait for their roar.

If trolls like more things, I do not know what they are. I know, however, what they do not like. It was a hard learning. I give them to you now. Be smart and use them well.

Trolls do not like sunlight; at least, in general, there may be some mountain breeds of trolls who can handle small doses; beams filtered through fog or cloud. Forest trolls are the most sensitive. They harbor in caves. Look for old mines. Their stench comes out of the pit like vapor.

Trolls can turn to stone if hit by too many UVs. If a troll sets upon you, run until it’s daylight. You probably won’t make it, but it’s all you can do to try. Maybe you would be running from one of those giant trolls—a Tosserlad or a massive Jotnar. If you are lucky, you’d be in the thick of a forest and not on the bleakest of plain. Hopefully you’d be under the tree line and could make yourself small like a rabbit and hide. Hope he pounds past you. Hope for an early sunrise. Sweat.

Should you have the luck to run a troll into the daylight do not leave him there a stone statue. There are some myths that say they can turn back, in time. No. Take a jackhammer, break up the pieces until they are rubble. Use explosives. Break it all the way down so it cannot build itself back up again. It is your responsibility as a troll slayer. Leaving it a monument is blood on your hands.

Trolls do not like the smell of humans. If you want to avoid the attraction of a troll, bathe yourself in the river, ignore the cold, this wash is more important than the freeze you are feeling. This is survival.

Before you clothe yourself, while you are still naked and wet, rub your body with troll stink. Try not to vomit, that will only bring the troll. Hold your breath. Breathe through your mouth. Rub quickly. Your armpits, your hair, your crotch, the crack of your ass, any place that holds our smell the most. Get dressed. You now have a leg up. Unless you are a Christian man, unless you believe in God. A troll will smell the faith on you no matter how thick you’ve coated his stink. If you have no way out of the forest, if you feel the thunder of their brood shaking the earth under your feet, you may want to denounce your lord and savior. Throw your faith away with the same steadfastness you used to hold on to it. Empty yourself of believing or you will be the one they smell first. All of them. And when they come close, remember not to pray.

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