THE SAD TALE OF DIKKLI LIKKENSCHAFT
Dikkli Likkenschaft had a hard life. It seemed no matter who he met, he was
not well received, when he was received at all. Often, he had to present a
photo ID to prove that yes, he was Dikkli Likkenschaft, and no, this was not
High School, too, was hard on Dikkli. But he had sufficient stamina to
He was unpopular in high school because, like many others of European
descent, Dikkli was abnormally hairy. As was the style in his high school
days, even for the white kids, he had grown an enormous, bushy, afro.
This made him even more unpopular, because the others could tell that Dikkli
was only trying to force his way into popularity. Several people in his
senior class claimed to love Dikkli, but he never felt it.
As a result of being unpopular, he thrust himself into his studies. And
when, at his high school graduation, they announced, "Dikkli P.
Likkenschaft, Honors Diploma," his parents cried, no one applauded, and
several of the jocks who had been particularly interested in roughing up
Dikkli made small jokes amongst themselves in the front row of bleachers.
Dikkli couldn't imagine much of a life for himself in college, and instead
got a job at a jean factory in the city where he lived. There he met many
other hairy Europeans with strange names, and befriended as many of them as
Making jeans soon got old for Dikkli, and he very much wanted get off for a
week or two to clear his head. The Head of Operations at the factory granted
him two weeks paid vacation. This angered his hairy friends, which he soon
thereafter lost. They wanted to know why Dikkli had gotten preferential
"We'd like to keep Dikkli around as long as possible," the Head of
They were not satisfied, but Dikkli got off anyway.
He took the time off to travel, and in his travels he met various
interesting people. Most of them were interested to meet Dikkli, too.
The most influential of all of these that Dikkli met was a group of seamen
he met in Florida. They were very interested in Dikkli's story, what roads
he came by, and whether or not he was going to come again.
He told them about graduating high school and going to work in the jean
"Dikkli," one of the seamen, a Mr. Johnson, asked him, "do you really want
to spend the rest of your life working in pants?"
Dikkli was uncertain what this might mean, "Do you mean go to work without
wearing pants?" he asked.
"No," he said, "I mean…never mind, you are a silly person."
While the end of this encounter may have insulted Dikkli, it gave him
something to think long and hard about.
He decided to quit his job at the jean factory and join the military, as
these seamen seemed to enjoy themselves.
"You mean to tell me that your godgiven name is Dikkli Likkenschaft?" the
Army recruiter asked him.
"Yes, it is." He pulled out various forms of photo ID and proved himself.
"You realize that if you were to enlist, you'd start out as Private
"Umm, yes. Well, I hadn't exactly been thinking about what my rank would be,
but that's where most people start, isn't it?"
"I'm sorry son, the Army's full, and we can't allow you to enlist."
"This isn't a joke, sir. I really want to join the Army."
"I know it's not a joke. That's why you can't enlist."
Dikkli didn't get in, obviously. And he wandered around the country for
months after this rejection, coming somewhere, and then going at the first
sign of danger. People did not like having this especially hairy Mr.
Likkenschaft in their town. They would send him on as soon as they found out
anything about him.
More and more Dikkli missed his old job at the jean factory near his
hometown. He went back to the Head of Operations and begged him to let him
back in. After much begging and Dikkli's even taking the Head of Operations
to a dinner that Dikkli could not really afford without having his position,
he got a job at the factory.
This was how Dikkli got back into pants, and never came out again.
about the author
Simon McKim is also known as Phineas McShithead.