JUNE 2004

> 777 5635 | simon mckim

1) If i were comprised of two substances it would be coffee and shortcake. I would then be happy and all of my heirs would know their place in the universe.

2) A dozen cattle fell from the sky into a forest in northern ontario.

3) A dozen tree-skewered Cows were found ready to be roasted in northern ontario.

4) If it will help you to sleep, think of yourself as being a bowl of cottage cheese.

5) There are ten rules for how one should live. The first eight of them are blank.

6) The last two are respectively a) a recipe for mariginally good pad thai and b) the instructions for assembling a new imac computer.

7) My house is situated directly on top of a giant grass-coloured troll. He likes the smell of coffee and the sound of what used to be folk music.

8) I turn to the television camera and say, "Maybe this shirt isn't pink enough for dancing."

9) T.S. Eliot Wakes up and throws a giant cucumber at me.

10) I am the first person.

11) can you believe this isn't a movie? What a rip off.

12) runtogetherwords areawesome

13) I walk into the cave confident of my success in retrieving the prized alksiop diamond. There is a long series of traps and dangerous walkways inside of the cave. However, after traversing all of the difficulty, I at long last arrive at the alksiop diamond. I reach to grasp the alksiop diamond.

14) Just at this critical moment, Al Gore steps into the cave wearing a faded santa claus suit and smoking marijuana. He says, "Diamonds are, like, shiny." I am so struck by this profound statement that I turn into a chicken named nadine.

15) Nadine is a single working mother trying to make a living off of lousy tips in a greasy diner in Seoul, Korea.

16) Koreans, and all other humans, do not appreciate the novelty of the incompetence of a waitress without hands.

17) Al Gore Moves to Korea to study "those things with feathers"

18) When asked who was his favourite classical composer, Mr. Gore responded, "R. L. Stein" the author of the childrens book series Goosebumps.

19) Mr. Gore literally believed that classical music was a euphamism for childrens literature.

20) If I were president of the united states, I would not sleep in a dumpster under the pier. (Nadine the chicken turns back into me)

21) I am sitting in a bar in the middle of the Sahara desert. The bartender asks me what I'll have. I respond, "WAter." He laughs and asks to see some ID.

22) Fourteen midgets walk into the bar. All of them are wearing matching plains indian costumes.

23) Imagine a fat bald man wearing a bright blue sweatsuit sitting on a park bench. He is eating a hot dog, don't you think?

24) The fat man is not eating a hot dog, but short cake.

25) A cow falls onto the fat man, killing the man and causing the cow some very serious emotional distress.

26) Years later the cow's therapist writes a book.

27) The Cow's therapist is the troll that lives under my house. His name is albert. He has a girlfriend that lives in Winnipeg, so they don't see each other much.

28) Albert is thinking of calling it quits with the winnipeg wench, but he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

29) Al Gore gets frustrated that no one in Korea speaks English. He moves to Guam.

30) None of Mr. Gore's suppliers can reach him in Guam. Mr. Gore takes action: He buys a chicken and names it Nadine.

31) Ten of the midgets are attempting to arrange themselves in a pyramid. The other four are playing euchre under my direction.

32) The Euchre game ends, one midget on the losing team pulls a twelve-guage shotgun from his pants. (I am so stymied that I turn into Al Roker) Th e midget proceeds to shoot the three other midgets that were playing euchre with him.


33) Enabled with the ability to predict the weather, I seek acceptance into the gypsy culture, though I fail miserably.

34) The murderous midget stands trial and recieves a short sentence.

35) Al Gore and Nadine have an enormous fight and Al leaves guam for Antarctica, where there are no chickens.

36) Albert dumps the Winnipeg wench, is unsuccessful in helping the distressed cow.

37) The distressed cow goes on a rampage sticking up convenient stations wearing a ski mask.

38) The Winnipeg Wench Moved to Toronto to be closer to her new love: Toronto.

39) Albert's book sells one copy: in Toronto.

40) The fat man's family donates his blue sweatsuit to Goodwill. Ten Gypsy midgets live in it for one year.

41) The Alksiop Diamond began a lucritive recording career under the alias of "Barry White".

42) The other ten midgets will finally construct a pyramid in 2017.

> BIOGRAPHY | about the author

Let's see, Simon is, in no particular order, a musician in the bands, The Pitiful Jupiters and The Alecks, a writer, and a Philosophy major at Indiana University Southeast.