James Ardis is an MFA candidate in poetry at Ole Miss. In his spare time he listens to your podcast, sometimes twice.
Press B and Dr. Mario will throw a pill at one of your enemies, B plus analog left/right with Captain Falcon to dive his fist on fire into the closest enemy’s heels, press B to summon Yoshi’s tongue to consume what is near you, B plus left/right with Mr. Game and Watch to activate his judgment hammer. Your enemies will turn into ice, your enemies will topple from the arena—donuts and ramen will fall from the sky for you.
My stroke will be a well-documented stroke, your stroke can only hope for this. Symptom: the muscle below my left eye slacks, trigger: the beautiful girl with chubby cheeks who sketches everything I love in note pads. Symptom: I lose feeling on the left side of my face, trigger: I get too close and smell the sunscreen off her knuckles. In the cafe near Intensive Care a man is sitting around in Razorback pajamas listening to a sermon on his phone without earbuds on. He is spasming in a way I understand.
Patch Notes for the Alpha
You can now strangle both friendly and unfriendly non-player characters to sleep.
Added: You may now purchase an expansion pack to see your character half nude.
Fixed: An argument between you and your new wife
in level four will no longer trigger combat music.
Fixed: Beds can be broken by overuse but will no longer explode.
Your grandfather’s corpse was still selectable for dialogue.
This no longer occurs.